Vaginal tightness, virginity, and values
Author: Maya Walsh – Little
Whether it’s from a TV show, on social media, or a friend, we’ve probably all heard euphemisms for losing your virginity like “popping your cherry” at one point or another. With so much vague and often insensitive messaging around first-time sex, it can be easy to feel confused or anxious about what happens to a vagina during one’s sexual debut. If you feel uneasy or uneducated, Team Lunette is here to clear up a few myths about virginity to help you feel more empowered about your sexual and reproductive choices.
Why does “virginity” matter?
The idea of someone “losing virginity” is often tied to the idea of the hymen“breaking” during penetrative penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex. Not only is this based on a misunderstanding of vaginal anatomy, and a narrow heternormative view of sex, but it’s also biologically inaccurate. Virginity is a social construct used to assign value to someone based on whether or not they’ve had sex. In certain cultures and communities, the idea of virginity can be important to moral purity, but regardless of the values you were raised with or are currently surrounded by, it’s up to you to define your own importance around having sex. Choosing whether or not have sex and when, how, and with whom is a deeply personal decision. What matters most is making that choice from a place of knowledge, not fear.
What’s a hymen?
One of the central parts of “keeping” or “losing” one’s virginity surrounds a very small part of the vagina- the hymen. This thin, but mighty membrane carries a lot of cultural and societal significance when it comes to the misinformed notion that your virginity status is connected to whether or not your hymen has “broken.” For clarity, the hymen is a piece of tissue that typically surrounds the rim of your vaginal opening. While its shape and size vary from person to person, most people do not have hymens that fully cover the vaginal opening, in fact only 1 in 1000 people are born with a hymen that fully covers it. For most people, the extra tissue from your hymen can stretch during physical activity or penetration, but will not fully break, as it doesn’t cover your vagina completely in the first place.
What is sex?
At this point you might be wondering: what about other types of sex? What if you’re queer, or don’t have penetrative sex? How does the concept of virginity apply then? The reality is, virginity often reinforces the patriarchal heteronormative idea that penis in vagina (PIV) sex is the default version of sex. It’s also possible you might find that queer people, and people who engage in non-PIV sex still use the phrase “losing your virginity” to talk about their first time having sex. As always, the language you use for yourself is up to you and should reflect your values and experiences, but it might not always resonate with others.
No matter if you choose to add “virginity” to your vernacular, this also raises the question of what actually “counts” as sex. The truth is- everyone defines sex differently! There are all different types of sex- solo sex, oral sex, anal sex, penetrative sex and so much more. Some people define sex in regards to achieving an orgasm, others on experiencing general physical pleasure, and some having an emotional and intimate experience. Even though the concept of virginity wants us to believe that we are anatomically, emotionally, and socially altered after having sex for the first time, that doesn’t have to be the case for you, and sex is whatever you make it to be.
Will my vagina get loose from sex?
Beyond just thinking about what happens to the hymen after having sex, many people worry that vaginas can become “loose” from having too much sex, or having too many sexual partners. The vagina is an amazingly flexible and resilient organ. It’s made of stretchy tissue that can allow for things to go in and out of it (whether that’s from sex, childbirth, or other). Vaginas do not become permanently altered or get more “loose” from sex. As a matter of fact, when someone is aroused, the vagina responds through dilation, as there is increased blood flow to the genitals. When someone is not aroused, vaginas are at average 2-4 inches deep, while during arousal vaginas can typically stretch to 4-8 inches. Additionally, arousal can cause the vagina to self lubricate to reduce friction during sex. Some people also like to add lube to their sexual experiences for more pleasure, if they’re using a condom or sex toy, or if their vagina is not creating its own lubrication. The elasticity of the vagina is what allows it to lengthen and dilate during sex, and then go back to its normal state after. For some people, childbirth and losing elasticity with age can contribute to the vagina changing over time, but sex itself will not cause the vagina to become loose.
What about period products
Another common fear is that using a period cup, tampon, or other self inserted period product can lead to vaginal looseness or hymen breaking. As we just addressed, the vagina is elastic, so it is able to stretch to fit any period products, without causing long-term alterations to vaginal structure or elasticity. In terms of the hymen, depending on what shape of hymen you have, using a self insert period product can cause your hymen to stretch to accommodate the period product. Your hymen can also naturally stretch from exercise or a medical exam, and this isn’t something that typically hurts or people notice! Using a period cup, or other menstrual product, is completely safe whether or not you’ve had sex before.
In summary, sex is a personal experience, and you have the freedom to define what it means to you. Being informed about the anatomy and function of your vagina can help you feel more confident and connected to your body, so you can make choices that truly feel right for you.
Photo: courtesy of Pinterest
